SoulEclipse

20091010

Ah shoot

Excited, yeah, but I'm also not looking forward to tomorrow as well. Despite being able to get back home, I also have some fears when I get to meet the family tomorrow. Truth is, I never really got to express myself to them. I wanted to, though; it almost felt like a resolve, but I still fear it for my life. I'm still not exactly sure how I ended up being this kind of fearful person.

The reason to fear them is quite valid though. I love them, but I messed up big time. I suppose it's because I'm being the guy who "doesn't care what happens to me," even though that's only partly true. Still, I also feel I affected them and it's largely my fault.

I allowed my addiction to the computer to take over me. I lost my interest in school that I ended up dropping out this term. I also ended up wasting money, their money. They paid so much for my allowance, tuition fee, dorm fees and bills, and my flight tickets, and I ended up buying as much food as I wanted to and did nothing on my school.

Would have it been easier if money wasn't much of an issue or will it be the same?

I hate money. I hated it since I was a kid. I once asked my parents who invented money. I didn't get much of a straight answer though. Of course, as I grew up, I knew how currency evolved from the trading and barter system back in early history.

It was probably because of my mentality that the Philippines is a Poor/Third-world/Developing country. I was told that the Philippines was indebted to the world bank or something like that. I didn't know much about Philippine Politics back then, but I felt that rich countries were looking down on us because we didn't have money.

I know better now of course, except this time, I feel the exact same way in our family. Financial problems happened as my dad was retired out of work earlier than he should. He still gets some money but it's not a constant pay every month anymore. It all fell into my mom, and to an extent, my sister's hands, the only other people who are capable of working. However, my mom is also about to retire in a few years.

Back then, the only thing I had to worry about was the electric bill. I had a knack for staying so long in front of the computer, which my parents already disapproved me of doing. I was even informed of how much we had to pay. That stayed into mind. Now, having lived in the dorm, I also have to worry about my fees for my dorm and to the school.

20091009

The Morning Rush

Ahahaha! They just called my tweet cute. I just tweeted them that sometimes I mistake live streaming for podcasts and vice versa because I either want to rewind or replay it or I wanted to tweet them for entries.

Anyway, The Morning Rush is a radio program that happens mostly on weekday mornings. Sometimes, the schedule changes. Its current schedule, it's now Monday to Friday, 6-10 in the morning. I've been a listener since I was in Grade School. Now, they have this "Top 10" where their listeners, or Rushers, text or tweet in their entries based on the topic. To read some examples, read one of the DJs, Chico's blog: [link]. A number of entries are Filipino though.

Usually, before the top 10, greetings are read. I've been greeting my family for a while now and the most recent one is the one above. Made me giddy when they read it. I'll download the podcast later. Haha!

Then they read the entries. Oh lord, the rushers' entries can be so downright hilarious. As I said, you can read it at Chico's blog. However, the DJs can be so hilarious as well. Even if the entries in Chico's blog are hilarious on its own, it's even funnier when you actually listen to it. I swear, thier antics are just too much. It will really make your day.

And exactly, this is why I want to thank them, because even if you feel you're the most depressed person in the world, you'll suddenly find yourself rolling on the floor, laughing your ass off. xD It was especially felt when Typhoon Ondoy (Ketsana) devastated Luzon with its heavy rains and floods.

It was only a game, but I went to this game's support channel. Suddenly, I got this person who was asking questions and I managed to solve her problem. I felt happy because it was my first time to actually do supportive help. Then I began talking about it. xD

20091008

Sharing our happiness

I'm trying to post as often as I can now, as if I were one of the Freedom Writers. Have you seen that movie? It's a good movie based on the lives of a teacher and her students, the real Freedom Writers. I suggest you go watch it if you haven't yet.

Even though I have my own "emo" moments like my last post, at least I still have my ups as well, and today, I'm just gonna do just that.

The stranger whom I just mentioned last post is also a good friend of mine. He is the main reason why I'm writing on this blog again. However, I've also been thinking that he won't always be there when I need to say something. So, I made this blog an outlet for myself, even more so than before.

The stranger made me feel comfortable for some reason. I forgot how I was drawn to him but we often talked and laugh with each other ever since we've added ourselves in MSN Messenger. We feel so close to each other at an emotional level, despite being so far apart in the world. We do every little help we can give for each other when we're feeling down. In fact, I was the first one who made him happy when he felt down. I made him a small picture that made him smile. You chould check it out right here: [link]

After that, we'd talk to each other more. It started out with common interests then soon, I blurted out my secrets. I don't know why. I felt embarrassed before but for some reason, I could tell him what I never told anyone ever before. The minute I realized this, I felt embarrassed but he accepted my own words. Suddenly, it was as if the weight of the world became easier to carry. He also gave me one of the best birthday presents I ever had. At the stroke of midnight, because of what we talked about, he impusively called me a brother. I've never felt happier in my entire life.

Now I'm grateful he came into my life. I'm very glad that he has time to talk to me. I'm also glad that I can express myself with him. If I had been more willing, I would probably have talked more openly with other people, and I would probably be happier than I am today. Not that I'm not currently happy now, of course.

I'm not taking full refuge on him however. I'm at least aware that there will be one day that we might grow apart, though hopefully only physically like working schedules. It's hard to accept but I shouldn't be too dependent on other people.

Now I've once thought, due to the technology and the relative ease of access of communication in most parts of the world today, what if there was a therapy in the form of instant messaging? To be honest, I'm more comfortable talking to people in IMs. Perhaps some people are the same way as well. I don't know how effective it might be, however.

Perhaps, in the future, I could use this as a way to communicate with and understand my students.

20091007

Afraid

I hate myself. Of course, you've heard of this before, not necessarily from me but from other people as well. Of course, your reply would be words of encouragement, looking at other people's points of views... You know. The usual. To be frank, I'm not really in the mood for all those things right now.

You see, I'm both looking forward to the future and wanting to avoid it. For starters, I'll finally be able to get back to my family this coming weekend. After quite a while of not seeing them, I'll finally be able to catch up with what's going on around the old neighborhood and being able to prepare my old favorite dishes, if not being able to eat some of my mom's cooking instead. Of course, it would mean I will have to help around the house, but that isn't really worth running away from.

It's just that I'm still feeling insecure about my future. I've messed up badly this time and to be honest, I feel like I need help. I still haven't talked about my parents about this, partly because I don't want to see them hurt and partly because I'm deathly afraid, even though I know what's going to happen. However, I also know things will get a lot worse if I don't tell them. I don't know why. I know these things and yet I can't seem to make myself budge.

To be honest, I'm not really the person who would say this, let alone post this online. However, there has been a recent encounter with me and a stranger in the internet. For some reason, I was able to tell him all sorts of things that was hiding inside me. It was a comforting glimpse to find someone who can listen and understand me, but deep down, I wish that stranger was a family member instead.

There was one particular incident way back when I messed up. I forgot what I did back then but I knew it was my fault and my mom was angry at me. I really was sorry that time so I came near to my mom to apologize. What I heard in reply hurt me like a whip being lashed on someone's back.

She said, "Sorry wasn't enough."

She meant well of course. After that reply, she said that I should do more than just sorry, like I shouldn't do it again or I should think and act better next time. However, being a child back then, or at least still thinking like a child, it felt like even my most sincere apology was rejected by my very own mother. I knew what she meant but the words kept ringing in my head. I felt like I wanted to hurt someone and cry at the same time. I still do.