SoulEclipse

20091007

Afraid

I hate myself. Of course, you've heard of this before, not necessarily from me but from other people as well. Of course, your reply would be words of encouragement, looking at other people's points of views... You know. The usual. To be frank, I'm not really in the mood for all those things right now.

You see, I'm both looking forward to the future and wanting to avoid it. For starters, I'll finally be able to get back to my family this coming weekend. After quite a while of not seeing them, I'll finally be able to catch up with what's going on around the old neighborhood and being able to prepare my old favorite dishes, if not being able to eat some of my mom's cooking instead. Of course, it would mean I will have to help around the house, but that isn't really worth running away from.

It's just that I'm still feeling insecure about my future. I've messed up badly this time and to be honest, I feel like I need help. I still haven't talked about my parents about this, partly because I don't want to see them hurt and partly because I'm deathly afraid, even though I know what's going to happen. However, I also know things will get a lot worse if I don't tell them. I don't know why. I know these things and yet I can't seem to make myself budge.

To be honest, I'm not really the person who would say this, let alone post this online. However, there has been a recent encounter with me and a stranger in the internet. For some reason, I was able to tell him all sorts of things that was hiding inside me. It was a comforting glimpse to find someone who can listen and understand me, but deep down, I wish that stranger was a family member instead.

There was one particular incident way back when I messed up. I forgot what I did back then but I knew it was my fault and my mom was angry at me. I really was sorry that time so I came near to my mom to apologize. What I heard in reply hurt me like a whip being lashed on someone's back.

She said, "Sorry wasn't enough."

She meant well of course. After that reply, she said that I should do more than just sorry, like I shouldn't do it again or I should think and act better next time. However, being a child back then, or at least still thinking like a child, it felt like even my most sincere apology was rejected by my very own mother. I knew what she meant but the words kept ringing in my head. I felt like I wanted to hurt someone and cry at the same time. I still do.

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