SoulEclipse

20091010

Ah shoot

Excited, yeah, but I'm also not looking forward to tomorrow as well. Despite being able to get back home, I also have some fears when I get to meet the family tomorrow. Truth is, I never really got to express myself to them. I wanted to, though; it almost felt like a resolve, but I still fear it for my life. I'm still not exactly sure how I ended up being this kind of fearful person.

The reason to fear them is quite valid though. I love them, but I messed up big time. I suppose it's because I'm being the guy who "doesn't care what happens to me," even though that's only partly true. Still, I also feel I affected them and it's largely my fault.

I allowed my addiction to the computer to take over me. I lost my interest in school that I ended up dropping out this term. I also ended up wasting money, their money. They paid so much for my allowance, tuition fee, dorm fees and bills, and my flight tickets, and I ended up buying as much food as I wanted to and did nothing on my school.

Would have it been easier if money wasn't much of an issue or will it be the same?

I hate money. I hated it since I was a kid. I once asked my parents who invented money. I didn't get much of a straight answer though. Of course, as I grew up, I knew how currency evolved from the trading and barter system back in early history.

It was probably because of my mentality that the Philippines is a Poor/Third-world/Developing country. I was told that the Philippines was indebted to the world bank or something like that. I didn't know much about Philippine Politics back then, but I felt that rich countries were looking down on us because we didn't have money.

I know better now of course, except this time, I feel the exact same way in our family. Financial problems happened as my dad was retired out of work earlier than he should. He still gets some money but it's not a constant pay every month anymore. It all fell into my mom, and to an extent, my sister's hands, the only other people who are capable of working. However, my mom is also about to retire in a few years.

Back then, the only thing I had to worry about was the electric bill. I had a knack for staying so long in front of the computer, which my parents already disapproved me of doing. I was even informed of how much we had to pay. That stayed into mind. Now, having lived in the dorm, I also have to worry about my fees for my dorm and to the school.

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